Wednesday, September 26, 2012

I'm Not The Person I Thought I Was

If you'd told me when I got married that in 2012 I'd be searching Google Maps for a private spot where I could fuck my lover in his car, I'd never have believed you. But 20 years and 2 kids later, here I am.

It started with a drunken grope session with a guy I met in a bar while on a road trip with a friend. Years later, it was former coworkers crawling out of the woodwork to hit on me, some flirting, some sexting, some webcam shit. Then a few drunken fucks and blowjobs in office bathrooms. That sort of thing. But it was never stuff I sought out intentionally, until I started posting ads on [redacted] and [redacted] last fall. Since then I've slept with more men than I'd slept with before I met my husband. I've met all kinds, heard all sorts of stories, experienced things I never, ever thought I would. I could write a book.

I've been with my current lover for six months. We have fallen in love. Over the course of that, his marriage has fallen apart, although it is not due to me. When we started we were clear neither of us wanted to shake up our lives. His deal has since changed, but mine has not. I say I have no intention of shaking up my life. However I also had no intention of falling in love… But we are having such fun and discovering things about ourselves that are surprising us, and exploring sex in a way we never could or would with our spouses. Ironically, the success of this extra-marital relationship has made my home life, and my family, much happier. My husband and I are laughing together again, being kinder to each other. Yet still no sex. Nor the desire for it. And that's fine by me.

The backdrop to this is a marriage that was becoming increasingly more mechanical, like a business transaction in which the logistics of life, but rarely the growing emotional distance between us, were discussed: who would be out when, where the kids needed to be, who would drive them … all the usual. Sex languished. We talked about it once but no solution was reached or even attempted, mainly apathy on his part, and I walked away with a sense of doom. We haven't had sex in more than a year and I don't want it. I dread the occasions like Valentine's Day, birthdays, our anniversary, but I'm learning there's no need to because neither of us will make a move.

I'm not the person I thought I was, capable of the lies, the double life. You wouldn't know it to look at me: I'm smart, professional, successful, with the seemingly (almost) perfect family. And although society begs to differ, I still consider myself a good person. A good person doing a bad thing. Most of the men who I've met are good people too. We have found ourselves in marriages that can't fulfill us in every way and are finding that fulfillment elsewhere. I have moments where the audacity of what I'm doing hits me, the risk, the stupidity. Implicit in all of us cheaters is obviously a self-centeredness and selfishness along with a certain invincibility — this belief we'll continue to outsmart the situation. But I have my moments where I can't believe what I'm doing, where I worry it's caught up to me, where I look at my husband and children and think about the incredible pain I would cause them.

Yet it doesn't stop me. And so I continue leading this double life, one in which I am a far happier mother and wife at home and an extremely fulfilled woman otherwise. It's a life in which I have rediscovered a side of me I either thought was gone forever, or in some cases I never knew I had. I feel sexy, beautiful, loved and passionate. I laugh heartily again, with both my lover and with my husband. Don't get me wrong: I'm not fooling myself as to what I'm doing. A couple men I've chatted with have it justified in their minds. For me, there is no justification. I know what I'm doing is wrong.

So how will it end? I don't know. I try not to think about it, push those thoughts out of my head when they creep up on me. I know I should stop it all, make an effort to make my marriage work on all fronts but, for now, I simply don't want to. Cheater, coward, liar? Yes, I am all those things. But the joy and passion and fulfillment I'm experiencing are outweighing the risk. And so I continue.

Tuesday, September 25, 2012

I'm In It

Ask me two years ago, and I would have told anyone that neither my husband nor I would cheat on each other. Fast forward to this year, when I found my husband "In Love" with his co-worker, where I still don't comprehend the dynamics in their relationship, but whatever. I spent the last year trying to reinvent myself, chasing him around to make him happy, only to realize about a month ago that I don't care anymore... not in a negative "I quit" mindset, but in a mindset of if he doesn't know what will make him happy, then I can't waste my time being the solution. So, I am out to find what makes me happy, and it's not him. I don't know what it will be, but it's not him. So maybe this is your quick blurb to highlight right here (given that I'm 31 and have had two partners, been married for 10 years): I want 25% of a relationship- the fun part. The no strings attached part. No more plain, vanilla sex. Just a good time, wining, dining, fucking... you name it. And, the hometown loser need not apply. So when I'm ready to say I'm done, no hearts are broken, and I can walk away.

So far, I have had two encounters (both married men), the first- was a weirdo- mission aborted. The current, he's a good one. Earlier,I came to the realize that both men lied about their age. The first one, creepy, the second one, can overlook it. They are both ubersuccessful, but are both 44 and lied saying they are 38. (how I found this out is irrelevant). So, I know it's only two in a sampling of the universe, but is there something dreadful about 44? Is there something I need to avoid at that age... sweatpants, etc?? I don't know. Why lie about your age?

And, before you judge my character, this is something I NEVER thought I would be doing. Cheating. Much less not caring if the other person was married or not. I'll have to deal with that part later. I've succumbed to thinking that the man in this bears the responsibility of their spouse's feelings once they decide to cheat. For me, my relationship is concretely over- unless there is a miracle. We live in the same house because we don't know what to do about it, and in the meantime, my search is on. To live my live and weed out certain characteristics in men that I either like, or don't like, so that when it comes time for the real deal... I know exactly what I want.

To me cheating was trashy, drama ridden. Something that I would never contemplate... I'm classy, successful, etc. I don't fit the "mold"... but now, I'm in it, and there is no justification, nothing to make it right as a situation, but at the moment, it is right for me.