Tuesday, September 25, 2012

I'm In It

Ask me two years ago, and I would have told anyone that neither my husband nor I would cheat on each other. Fast forward to this year, when I found my husband "In Love" with his co-worker, where I still don't comprehend the dynamics in their relationship, but whatever. I spent the last year trying to reinvent myself, chasing him around to make him happy, only to realize about a month ago that I don't care anymore... not in a negative "I quit" mindset, but in a mindset of if he doesn't know what will make him happy, then I can't waste my time being the solution. So, I am out to find what makes me happy, and it's not him. I don't know what it will be, but it's not him. So maybe this is your quick blurb to highlight right here (given that I'm 31 and have had two partners, been married for 10 years): I want 25% of a relationship- the fun part. The no strings attached part. No more plain, vanilla sex. Just a good time, wining, dining, fucking... you name it. And, the hometown loser need not apply. So when I'm ready to say I'm done, no hearts are broken, and I can walk away.

So far, I have had two encounters (both married men), the first- was a weirdo- mission aborted. The current, he's a good one. Earlier,I came to the realize that both men lied about their age. The first one, creepy, the second one, can overlook it. They are both ubersuccessful, but are both 44 and lied saying they are 38. (how I found this out is irrelevant). So, I know it's only two in a sampling of the universe, but is there something dreadful about 44? Is there something I need to avoid at that age... sweatpants, etc?? I don't know. Why lie about your age?

And, before you judge my character, this is something I NEVER thought I would be doing. Cheating. Much less not caring if the other person was married or not. I'll have to deal with that part later. I've succumbed to thinking that the man in this bears the responsibility of their spouse's feelings once they decide to cheat. For me, my relationship is concretely over- unless there is a miracle. We live in the same house because we don't know what to do about it, and in the meantime, my search is on. To live my live and weed out certain characteristics in men that I either like, or don't like, so that when it comes time for the real deal... I know exactly what I want.

To me cheating was trashy, drama ridden. Something that I would never contemplate... I'm classy, successful, etc. I don't fit the "mold"... but now, I'm in it, and there is no justification, nothing to make it right as a situation, but at the moment, it is right for me.

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